went to a press event after a long long time.....somehow all this doesnt seem to touch me....all the sham and glory of meeting people in suits, shaking hands and heads while you are wondering i wish my phone rang, so that i can tell them i have a life of my own.....i dont know. it actually puts me off. all the food and beverage, people trying to be genteel and flaunting their skills with the fork. its all distant for me.

meaningless. its not arrogance. its not condescension. its indifference. a conscious effort to stay grounded in the lightness of the world....and when you turn to your left and see a familiar face stuffing a lot of delicacies as if there is no tomorrow, you realise the difference and be glad for it.

i was never the one to steal the limelight. i consciously shun all such events and occasions where i have to be formal. i dont know what it is to be formal. so i dont have a formal wardrobe. anyday you would find me in my jeans and washed out t-shirts, old and a little worn out, like my feelings. so when someone tells me to dress well, i think she is asking me to change myself...it is complete disrespect for who i am. for i dress like this and i think i dress well. formal does not add to your personality. it hides you behind the many facades that you already have created....another layer to rip off.

so i was there. looking for you. looking to see whether you had come. my mind was crowded with thoughts, crowded like a subway at rush hour. they dont move, they add to the saturation and overflow. overflow like those tears that i saw streaming down your face that day. it was cloudy. i sat beside the window telling you how beautiful we are and how we are....just us.

and then you get tired of everything.

of your life.

of your surroundings.

of the people who form a part of your life.

you just want to run.a thousand miles away at a few hundred miles per hour.there are no longer any thoughts.your mind is devoid of any emotions.your heart is devoid of feelings.you run and run...like forest gump and then one day you also give up running.

you are just tired.

just when i thought i was ready to throw it all away, i think i have found a new direction.

now it is just a matter of channelising and energy levels.

the rest is in place...i think.

Currently Listening Hooked By Great White see related

i am beginning to get my life back again. and that is independent of you. we dont need to be parasitic to enjoy the sunshine, we can do it in our little cold corners. but at the end of the day the thought is you. irrevocably. that is something i have learnt not to control. my mind floats to those pages where you are larger than life.

it is quite bewidering how i am getting impressed by visuals. almost swayed by the need to start putting them down. things that i have captured, circumstances i find myself in...they defy my expectations most of the time. i have no idea why i am feeling this way, but i know i am coming close...